My Triggers

A trigger is something that is said or done that causes emotional distress. It might not even be something from someone else. It could be something as little as taking a shower and I am forced to look at breasts. I have wanted to cut them off of my body so badly for the last 25+ years. They are not a part of me, yet they are. This is more widely known as dysphoria though and not a trigger. Triggers are more typically what someone says or does something that is geared toward you.

When someone uses the words “her” “hers” “ma’am” when referring to me, those are some of my triggers that make me feel invalid. When someone uses my birth name, also known as a dead name, that is a trigger for me. I get that I lived as a female for 35 years and that it is hard for people to even think of me as a man but it still hurts.

I will go out with someone to lunch or the store and they will refer to me with feminine pronouns and my whole day is made shitty. Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep because it hurts so much. Usually though, I get really angry and stay that way for hours, sometimes even days. I correct people only to have them get angry at me. I don’t see how you calling me he, him, etc is so distressing to you. Try living your life smothering down all these emotions and feeling then finally getting the nerve to break out and tell the world only to have them make you feel like what you are isn’t important, who you are isn’t important.  I’ve gotten to the point that I wonder if I should just go back to being “that tomboy”. It would be so much easier to just crawl into a hole and pretend that none of this bothers me, to pretend that I am who they expect me to be. I dated guys all my life because that was expected of me. I had children, because that was what was expected of me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children very much. They are going through this with me though. The kids make fun of my youngest child by telling her that I’m stupid and that I’ll never be a boy. She fights so hard for me and I love her for it but this shouldn’t be her fight. She shouldn’t have to fight for me to be who I am.

I had an older couple, 60’s, come into my store last week. They are regulars who come in about every other day. I have a coat that says, “We don’t die, we just go to hell to regroup”. It is a United States Air Force jacket. The man asked me what it meant and I told him that it was just the slogan that the U.S. decided to put on the back. I figured he would understand because he was in the armed forces. I made them their food and got to the register and the wife commented that it sounded like I was getting sick. I said I was not then she asked me if it was allergies making my voice so low. I told her that it was a side effect of one of my medications. They paid and before they walked away she says, “I don’t know of any medication that would have that kind of side effect”. I told her that I was on testosterone. She asked what for so I told her that I am transitioning into male. I am all for educating people. You can’t change the fear that people have unless you can educate them. Anyway, she gets snotty and says some stuff that was not monumental then they walked away to go eat. On their way out he stopped to get more soda and she came up to the counter and had the nerve to ask me who was paying for my transition. Excuse me?! She then says, without even letting me reply, “insurance doesn’t cover that type of stuff so who’s paying for it?” I looked her straight in the eye and says, “Yeah, well mine does”. What business is it of hers? She gets angry and walks out the door. Her husband then takes it upon himself to come up to the counter to tell me that I’m going to hell and he’s going the other place and points skyward. I just shrugged my shoulder at him as if I didn’t care. I hate people that use religion as an excuse to be mean or rude to another living, breathing, caring, loving human being. I have been helping them 3x+ a week for almost 5 years. They have made small talk with me and I’ve been nothing but nice to them. Saturday they came in while I was there and walked up to the counter wanting assistance. I looked at my co-worker and said, “I refuse to help them, they can suck my dick”. I don’t even care. I’m pretty sure that they didn’t hear my comment but I was still so upset about the situation that I couldn’t hardly think straight. The co-worker that I said this to was there when they told me I was going to hell so she knew what I was talking about and why I was refusing service. My manager even told me that I could refuse service for something like that.

Sorry, went off on a ramble there. I don’t even remember where I was going with the trigger post so please forgive me. Have a little ADD (attention deficient disorder) going on. Next time I will try to make an outline for myself and stick to it. If I remember what I was going to say I’ll write again.

Until next time, go out and make it a great day 🙂

Christian

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