I went to Best Buy today (it’s an electronics store). I had to use the restroom but wanted to wait until I found what I needed. After about 5 minutes I couldn’t wait any longer. I walked down the long hallway the whole time talking myself into it and hoping no-one was in there. I open there door and see that there is a man in one of two stalls. Thanking my lucky stars I go into the other stall. I try to go without urinating, and let me tell you, that is very hard to do when you have to do both, so that the other guy thinks I’m just there for the same reason as him. As he’s washing his hands another guy comes in for the urinal. I’m good, so far. As I’m finishing up I think that guy #1 comes back in and goes into the stall again. By this point I had pulled up my pants so I figure I’ll wash my hands and then slip out while the other guy is preoccupied. Just as I flush another guy comes in to use the urinal. I figure it’s now or never. I unlocked the stall door, walk past the other stall and past the guy at the urinal. The whole time I am telling myself, “You belong here just like these guys, you belong here just like these guys…”. I wash and dry my hands then leave the bathroom without incident. Throughout the rest of the store I caught myself looking at men’s shoes to see if I came across guy #1 to see if he looked at me any differently. Didn’t find him. I was called ma’am 3 times though which kind of pissed me off, okay, it really pissed me off. Do all big guys get called ma’am or is it just me because I don’t have any facial hair yet? I thought I was hiding my chest pretty good today. I wore a tight sports bra to flatten it a bit and a t-shirt and a hoodie so it wasn’t as noticeable. I wanted to lash out and say, “I’m not a freaking girl! Don’t call me ma’am or refer to me as her or she!!!” but I didn’t. I just bought what I had to and left.
With the sex on my birth certificate going through last week so it shows up as male I am so ready for the next part of my journey, the removal of my chest. But I don’t have that type of money and my insurance doesn’t cover it. I want to cut them off myself so badly! Anytime I am forced to acknowledge them my depression and anxiety goes through the roof. My LGBTQ doctor asked if I wear binders. “Ummm. yeah but it doesn’t help.” She asks why so I replied with, “You try to hide D-DD cup breasts”! I should add that she’s lucky if she can get in a bra that’s as big as a B cup. I see women like that and am so beyond jealous because if they were me then they’d be able to hide it. I can’t get away with that, ever.
I’m just depressing myself so I am going to sign off before I get really bad and end up in bed for the next 48 hours.
Try to smile today everyone.