I got made sure that the kids were off to school before laying back down to take a nap (we were up late due to a tornado warning in our area last night). The dream that I had started off to be the most wonderful dream I’ve had then the ending…
Went to the park on my Harley-Davidson (don’t have one in real life but I’d like to) to meet a friend of mine (he’s actually a favorite YouTuber of mine but we’ve never actually met). While hanging out with him I met this wonder woman. She was gorgeous, smart, funny, down-to-earth…basically perfect for me. She took us home to meet her mom and baby daughter (the daughter part was a surprise that she didn’t tell us about but I was pleasantly surprised). We sat and talked the day away. We had such great conversations that I never wanted to leave but it was inevitable. Before we left I told the woman that I needed to talk to her so she led me into the kitchen of her home, sat me down at the kitchen table, and sat on my lap with her arms around my neck. That was my happy place. I started off the conversation by telling her that, like her with her daughter, I had something to tell her as well. She gave me a peck kiss, quick but with much emotion, and told me that no matter what I told her she would still like me. Without further ado I told her that I was transgender. She jumped off of my lap yelling at me that I was disgusting and that she wished that she’d never met me (among other things). I was devastated. I said goodbye to the little baby girl (who was all giggles making me realize that I would probably never get to hear those little giggles ever again) and to her mom. Her mom gave me a sympathetic smile while she watched from behind the screen door as Luke (No clue where his husband, Trent, was) and I made our way to the car (when it traded from my Harley to a car I’ll never know). My girl watched from her bedroom window not even trying to disguise her hatred for me. As I drove away I was completely devastated.
Being in a large town in the middle of Iowa I feel like I will never meet anyone because this is Iowa. The only other trans person(s) that I know of either moved to California years ago or is a drag queen on the weekends but we’ve never talked. No-one is going to want a transman like myself here, ever. By having this dream I felt that for once, I truly had a shot at happiness only for that hope to be smashed into dust then swept away into nothingness. As I woke again, I was back to feeling utterly alone.
Maybe I should take my own advice today and go out and MAKE it a great day. Got dentist at 12 for cleaning of the other half of my mouth. On a more positive note, I have been smoke free for 9 days. I admit, I tried one yesterday but it was so gross that I immediately threw it out the window of the car because I was so repulsed by it (so does that count?) Anyway, thanks for reading (as always),