Difficult times

My oldest and I had talked about her phone needing to be replaced. She had dropped it and the screen cracked then she dropped it in the toilet. We had agreed that she needed to start building her credit now that she is 18 so she was going to look into getting a phone on contract because currently (before last night anyway) she prepaid. She asked me where she should go yesterday. I told her that I like Sprint. Her friend’s boyfriend said that Sprint was terrible and that they hated it and she should go through Verizon. I told her that ultimately it was her decision because she was going to be the one signing the contract regardless of what I or anyone said. She texted me later saying that she got a good deal at Verizon. I asked what kind she got. She had her friend and the boyfriend add her to their plan. I explained that this doesn’t help her credit at all, that it helps theirs. I said, “Basically, you’re paying them to help their credit. The whole point of you getting a plan was to help your credit”. Her response? “Idc I don’t want credit”. She is just like her father. He didn’t care about getting credit either until it was time for him to rent an apartment, get his own phone, or to get a good car. When he kept getting turned away he regretted it and I know she will too. It’s whatever I guess because I’m just a stupid ass parent that has no clue what the hell I’m talking about.

I woke up cold this morning. I did not sleep well last night at all. I started cleaning the kitchen this afternoon. Took the garbage and recycling out back then started to rearrange the cupboards. A shelf broke so I took it out of the cupboard and started moving things to different cupboards and making things look nice. Then I got a call from my youngest child’s school. A recorded message that said this morning there were shots fired near the school so they brought all the kids in from outside and kept the school on lockdown for precaution. The beginning of the year my oldest child’s school got put on lockdown because a kid brought a gun to school and shot himself behind the theater wing. Now it was “somewhere in the neighborhood” at the elementary.

I asked my oldest when she was coming home because I needed someone to talk to. It was at that moment that I realized that I have no one. I have no friends really. They all have things going on in their own lives. I am so sad right now. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s brought me to tears several times today. That’s not like me at all. I hardly ever cry. I’m hoping that it’s just because I wasn’t able to get my T shot last week because of a small issue with insurance. I haven’t taken an antidepressant for probably 3 years now and was doing just fine without it. Now I’m not so sure that was a good idea. I wish I had someone. Not only is it difficult for someone my age or older to find someone (especially since I never go anywhere) add in the fact that I’m trans makes it even more difficult. I don’t know of anyone that would date a trans guy because we’re “not real men”. I will forever be alone. When people ask me I always say that I like it better being single because I don’t have to ask to do things and I can raise my children the way I see fit. That, I think, is the biggest lie I have ever told anyone. I don’t generally lie, I just don’t want people to realize how much being alone hurts. I have been single for over 5 years and it really, really sucks. I wish nothing more than to find someone that accepts me and my children that can support me and I them. Someone that I can bounce ideas off of and talk to when I’m feeling down. Someone to go on dates with and to treat like the royalty that I see them as. I am not living and thriving…I am surviving and that is all.



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