Sorry

I would like to apologize for not writing in a while.

I finished up the semester and had to drop out which upset me but I needed the break. Been dealing with drama with my oldest daughter’s roommate and the kids at my youngest daughter’s school bullying her. I’m sick and tired of all the hate in the world and that my children are having to deal with it. One of those things I’d like to protect them from but know I cannot.

Been working although not as much as I would like but I understand the reasons. Between the little one having seizures I’ve had to miss work. She can’t be left alone and I can’t find a sitter for a child her age so my availability is not great.

These aren’t excuses by any means. I just wanted to let you know the reasons I’ve been away for so long.

Go out and make it a great day everyone!

Chris

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Blown Away

There is an older couple that come into my job that have had issues with me being transgender. Yesterday they came in all smiles, even the husband which is unusual. I love it when people come in with smiles. It automatically puts me in a good mood and I am more willing to help them and go the extra mile for them. Anyway, the first phrase out of the woman’s mouth was, “Good morning young man. How are you today?” I was blown away and almost rendered speechless (which is unusual for me!). I was so happy that they have finally accepted me as transgender instead of insisting that I am going to hell. Maybe there is hope for the world after all. It warmed my heart for sure!

It’s amazing how one small gesture can warm and open the heart. In the next couple weeks I am going to look for openings where I can try to make someone feel as good as this couple made me feel yesterday.

As today is coming to a close I have to admit that I did not go out of my way to make it a great day and therefore had a pretty rotten day. Although, tomorrow is a new day and I am determined to make it a much better day tomorrow, will you?

Chrisitan

Unexpected Forgiveness

There is an older couple that comes into my job about every other day for sandwiches. They get the same thing every time but I always ask if that is what they are getting just in case they mix it up on me.

A little over a year ago I came in wearing an Air Force coat that has the saying “Air Force don’t die we just go to hell to regroup” on the back. I’ve worn this coat for years. The man is a retired Vietnam vet and so he commented on the coat. I made their sandwiches that day and we got down to the register when the wife asked me if I was sick to which I replied with a no. She then asked if I was stuffed up with my nose because my voice sounded different. I explained that it was my medication but not telling her which medication (it was the testosterone). She said, “I’ve never heard of any medication causing that” so I explained that I am transitioning into male. She acted as though I was joking then realized I wasn’t. They sat down and ate then came back up to the counter individually. Her first asking who was paying for it. I explained that my insurance was and she said that no insurance covers that. Yes, she is obviously very uneducated in this aspect. I said that mine does. As she was walking out her husband came up to the counter and said, “You know that place on the back of your jacket? You’re going there while I’m going up there (pointing to the sky)”. I just stared at him. I had never been talked to like this in my life and had no clue what to do or say. For the next 8-10 months I refused to help this couple. One day I was the only worker so I had to. They had commented that they hadn’t seen me in awhile and asked where I’d been. My response, “Hiding”. It was not a lie.

Wednesday the same couple came in and I asked if they were getting their usual, her with the American cheese and him with the shredded. The wife said, “Yes ma’am” and I asked her not to call me ma’am. They looked at me funny and asked why not so I explained again that I am a transgender man. She goes, “Well we didn’t know”. I said that I had told them about a year ago and they had told me to go to hell. They looked shocked that they would say something like this. I just stared them the entire time. I know that my feeling of anger and hurt could be heard through my voice but by the time I thought about it the words had already left my mouth (which is typical of me). I do not remember what the woman was talking about after that but I do remember that she had referred to me as ‘him’ when talking to her husband. All these months I have been angry for something that they didn’t even remember saying only for them to accept (somewhat I’m sure) who I am. I was mad for not talking to them all those months and kept playing the scenario over again in my mind when all I was doing was withholding joy from myself. How could they know that I was angry and why? I stole time and happiness away from myself. They did not force me to feel what I did and for so long. It took this for me to realize all the time that I deprived myself from.

Do not hold grudges. You are the only one this effects. The other person moves on with their  life and 9/10 times does not even know or understand the wrong that you feel they have done to you. I hate to sound like a Disney movie, but let it go. You deserve to be happy and if forgiving those that have upset you, no matter how big or small, sets you free to live the life of happiness that you deserve. I have sat here for hours since this encounter going over all the ‘wrongs committed against me’ forgiving the other person. It is me that won’t let it go, me that won’t move on. Not them.

I challenge you today to think of just one person that you feel has wronged you, whether family, friend, or stranger, and forgive them. Make today a great day by doing this one thing for yourself. You. Are. Worth. It.

Christian

Transgender Suicide Hotline for United States

I was just informed that the new transgender suicide hotline for the United States is up and running and I wanted to share this with you should you need it.

1-877-565-8860.

No matter what is going on in your life or who is saying/doing what remember that you matter. Your feelings and fears matter. You are loved even if you may not feel it right now. There is no shame in asking for help. I strongly believe that it takes a strong person to admit when they need help and to actively reach out for it. The people on the other end of the line are here to help you, please, let them.

Christian

So angry even now

So, last night I went to the store to get something for dinner. Walked up and put my stuff on the belt. The cashier greeted me with “hi ma’am” so I said “hello sir”. Apparently that wasn’t enough. She called me ma’am again and I told her I was a man. For a 3rd freaking time she said ma’am!! Mind you I had 5 items so the exchange wasn’t that long, maybe 5 minutes at the very most. Finally I about yelled “Stop calling me ma’am! I don’t know if you noticed or what’s wrong with you but I ain’t got no boobs and I have facial hair!” Grant it there isn’t a lot but it’s black hair so it’s a little noticeable. She responded with, “I’m sorry ma’am”!! I was so angry. I haven’t been this angry since that regular customer at work told me I was going straight to hell while they would be going to heaven!! Had to get this off my chest.

I am going to go out and make today a great day!

Christian

Being hated on and misgendered

As I was watching Jazz Jennings on YouTube I realized something kind of sad about myself. She said, “I didn’t wake up one day and decide that I wanted to be a girl. It just always knew and started expressing myself that way. I told my parents, ‘I’m a girl’ and gravitated towards girlie things. And for some people, the reason they transitioned so later in life is because they displayed those signs and they knew they were the opposite gender but when they told everyone in society it was kind of shut down and they had to suppress their emotions for so many years until they finally had the courage to express themselves authentically.” I realized that throughout my childhood that person was my father. I wanted nothing more than to have a BMX bike that I could do tricks on and ride around in the dirt but I was forced to have a girl bike with a banana seat. Never wore makeup yet that was what he always bought me for Christmas. Little things like that to try and break the person I knew myself to be. Probably wasn’t done on purpose but I feel that I missed out on so much because of this. So many experiences, happiness, the list is long.

She goes on to say that as transpeople we have the right to be annoyed when someone uses the wrong pronouns. Once someone tells you what pronouns they use and then you continuously start messing up it’s very hurtful and we don’t understand why you’re doing that. It sometimes feels like it’s on purpose.

I have a very devout Christian friend that uses my preferred name and pronouns about 90% of the time and we’ve been friends 27 years. A woman that I work with gets my name and pronouns correct and she hates me with every fiber of her being, yet my family is incapable of calling me anything but female pronouns and using my dead name. I have cancelled outings or not gone to their home when I wanted, or even called, because I just can’t deal with the depression that follows these encounters. Especially since I have gone through top surgery now. I pass until someone opens their mouth and says ‘she would like’ or uses my dead name when trying to get my attention. I can’t begin to say how angry and hurt this makes me feel. At first I understood that I went by that name for many, many years and that it would take time. It’s been 2 years of me using the same pronouns and name! You’d think one would be able to get it right by now. Mentally I just can’t do it anymore. I’d rather stay at home and be a recluse than to have to deal with that any longer.

This post will probably make people angry and whatnot but I just don’t care anymore. It’s my mental health that is at risk here. I have enough mental issues without throwing mental abuse on to the heap. Yes, I used mental abuse because it’s just as painful  as any other type of mental abuse. When I came out on Facebook I started it off by saying, “So-and-so has passed away…”. This is true. That person doesn’t exist. She is dead and will forever be dead. I am here now. I was hiding in her shadow all these years but I have finally been set free, I walked out of her shadow, and I will never go back! I am a man.

Christian

Hurting 

I tried to lay down a couple hours ago but the pain from my incisions under my armpits was just too much so I got up and took a pain pill then started on some homework (last semester before graduating woo hoo!). 

After awhile I found myself on Facebook and was reading a post about a guy getting fat shamed in another ftm faceboook group. I shared my experience of fighting anorexia but now I’m a large guy like he is (he’s 5’8″ 200 lbs while I’m 5’3″ 195 lbs). I told him while I’m still not happy with my body I’m alive and that’s enough for me. Getting pregnant with my oldest daughter literally saved my life. Had I not gotten pregnant at that moment I probably would’ve ended up like Karen Carpenter (singer from 70’s…possibly 60’s). 

After sharing that experience the back pain that I’ve had for the past few days got worse then my chest started to hurt pretty bad. Knowing it’s most likely just another panic attack I couldn’t help but wonder if it’s a heart attack. What if it were? I’m all alone with no one to assist me if I need it. I took some of my anxiety medication. And laid down to work on my breathing. I’m so glad I took Tai Chi in high school and learned all those breathing exercisesbevause they’ve helped me a number of times when I’ve had panic attacks.

I finally figured out how to add pictures so I am including one of my chest 1 week after surgery. It is red because I’m allergic to the antibiotic ointment and the cortisone to try to help the reaction to the ointment. Since this picture was taken I haven’t really put anything on it except lotion but I’ll admit I haven’t been very good at doing it regularly so now the red marks look kind of scaly up close. My nipples are starting to turn black (which is a good thing) and soon the black scab will fall off leaving a nice little pink man nipple behind. 


It is 1:30 am on a Friday night, although I suppose it’s Saturday morning now, and I have quite a bit of homework left to do so I’m going to bid you farewell. 

As always, go out and MAKE it a great day 

Christian