New truck?

I found a used (new to me) Dodge Durango that is cheap but has high mileage. Dealer says nothing is wrong with it but with that type of mileage I’m not sure I want to have another fixer-upper. Not only that, I still owe more than what my car is worth and adding that onto a loan for the Durango, I am not confident that I can afford it. I want a new car but don’t necessarily need a new car. It took me many years and a lot of growing up to learn the difference between need and want and even at almost 40 I am still learning. So, no new truck for me. Kind of depressed about it to be completely honest. I love the feeling of a new vehicle. All of the new smells (even if it is used), new dials and knobs to play around with, the feeling that I accomplished something by getting it. But alas, it was not meant to be. That’s okay though. It gives me the chance to build my credit more and to pay off some of the loan on my Mustang. Hopefully, this time next year I will be in a better position and there will be a better truck for me to purchase. Until then, I am content with how things played out. The heated seats, adjustable pedals, and all the other amenities would have been appreciated though.

As always my little sweet ‘ums, go out and make it a great day!

Christian

Advertisements

My First Liebster Award

The Stories In Between was kind enough to nominate me for my first Liebster Award and for that, I thank them. I’m sure a few may be asking what this award is, I must admit that I was one of those people. This is an award that bloggers nominate other bloggers for when they want to show respect to their work as well as the dedication that the blogger has put forth in creating their work. It’s a way that we, as bloggers, can show our appreciation and recognition for all the bloggers out there that are living life with all its complexities as well as taking time out of their day to write down thoughts, feelings, ideas, and concerns in an effort to help those out there that may be looking for a ray of sunshine in a dark and dreary world.

10 questions that were asked of me (these were the wrong questions but I have permission from Ailanthus Altissima (misstree.life) to reblog these questions. please see https://wordpress.com/view/iamaman2015.wordpress.com for the correct questions and answers):

  1. What is your favorite color and what does it mean to you?

My favorite color is burple. While that doesn’t make a lot of sense, I will explain a bit. It is blue and purple mixed together to make the most beautiful shade on the planet (at least to me).

What prompted you to start blogging and/or writing?

I have written for as long as I can remember. Started many books but only finished one, a children’s book, that I wrote for my oldest when she was around 2. With all our moving through the years I have since lost it. This saddens me to no end. That said, the main reason I started this blog was because: A) people were starting to tell me that I wrote too much on Facebook B) I was unable to find anyone my age (currently almost 40) that were transitioning and wanted to throw myself out there for others that may be, or have gone through, some of the things I am as a transparent.

What was the most significant journey you’ve been through?

While parenting and transitioning are never ending, I would have to say that those two are the most significant. Being a single parent is extremely difficult but worth every moment. Transitioning is also very difficult but rewarding as well.

Who or what is your greatest adversary?

Simply put, myself. I am my hardest critic. I expect too much from myself yet get angry with myself for not achieving my goals.

If you could conceptualize yourself as anything other than a human being, what would you be?

At first I was going to say dolphin but they are expected to be all fun and nice and stuff. Then I thought, I’d rather be a house cat. When they are temperamental they can get away with acting like jerks, they decide who is allowed to touch them and when, they get a warm/cool place to sleep (constantly) and food in their tummies. They don’t have to answer to anyone and it is acceptable. Plus, they can be warm and caring creatures.

How would you describe your safe space? If you don’t have one, what do you imagine it might be like?

I have schizophrenia, and in my mind, with the paranoid aspects of my disease), there is no safe place. However, with that being said, I think the safest I feel would be my home.

What is your favorite website?

Honestly, it depends on my mood. My top websites are:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRj7HXvKV3AXGTbGeOX5Wzw

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC12IuD9gzvGk2y4J-nvZ_pw

Facebook.com

WordPress.com

www.listchallenges.com

Goodreads.com

Audible.com

(Note: these are not in any particular order)

What type of media resonates most with you?

No one type of media as there are many. I think it depends on what I am wanting to know or learn about.

Do you have any background/education/experience you feel benefits your blog?

I think that being a single transgender parents helps me to write about those topics. Having had may writing classes throughout my college career assists me to write about these topics in a way that makes sense to my readers (I will ask that if you ever have any questions to please ask them…the only “dumb” quesiton is the one not asked, it’s how we learn).

On a scale of 1 (lowest) to 10 (highest) how would you rate your ability to empathize?

I would have to say an 8. Some things I sympathize with as I cannot fully empathize with all situations.

Thank you again for the nomination. Have a safe and wonderful rest of your day!

Christian

Too early

It’s a little after 5 a.m. and I’m awake for God only knows. My sleep has been broken these last few weeks and when I do sleep I’ve been having bad dreams. One night I even had a nightmare. I don’t usually have bad dreams. Typically, I have maybe 2 bad dreams a year instead of my 1-2 times a week. It’s quite frustrating.

I actually have a day off work today so after my medication person leaves this morning I think I’ll take a nap. I love getting weekdays off because I can nap while little bit is in school.

I see we have a couple new subscribers. Welcome to iamaman2015. I sincerely hope you enjoy this blog and if at anytime you would like me to write about a certain subject don’t be afraid to speak up and ask. This goes for everyone.

Go out and make it a great day! Live today as if it were your last. Tell those that you love how you feel, watch that sunrise/sunset, eat that chocolate cake (unless you like my aunt and are allergic to chocolate, in this case eat a carrot cake or something). Remember that you are loved even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

Christian

School Blues

I graduated with my Associates a couple months back and am so proud of myself. I started my Bachelor’s program 9 weeks ago and now I am being told that as of June I will have to come up with almost $4,900 USD because I’m at my lifetime borrowing limit. My school says I can make monthly payments starting in January of $286.78 USD until April 2019. I don’t have that kind of cash just laying around.

I tried to get loans but I need a co-signer. No one will co-sign for me. Grant it, I haven’t asked but I already know that no one will. I talked with my advisor and he gave me some websites to look into for scholarships so I’m going to try those. I really don’t want to stop because I only need 84 credits for a program that requires 180 credits. I’m so close yet so far away. Feeling defeated and depressed at the moment.

Regardless, I am going to try and make it a great day and I hope you to also.

Christian

Promotion?

So I talked to the owner of my store about how I wanted to know what I was doing wrong and what I could improve on because I kept getting overlooked for management and I was very frustrated. He told me that he didn’t know I wanted it. Said the last time he knew I wasn’t interested and only worked 3 days a week. I wanted to tell him that was because the person he put in charge hated me and told him that. Instead I told him that I’d been trying to pick up hours. Lucky for me several hours had opened up this week at another one of his locations and I took all the days offered except 1 and only because I was scheduled at my store already during those hours. He is going to consider me for the job. I hope so because the 3 other candidates are…one gives away free food for cigarettes, one is almost 70 and while I love him dearly he’s slow as a turtle on weed, and the third told me today that no one listens to her. I am eager to bring my store back to its former glory. I’m ready to learn all that I can and help my coworkers to realize their full potential and exceed even their expectations. Each of them can do it and I hope I am able to motivate them.

I did it, I made today great, amazing even and I plan on doing the same tomorrow. I hope you do also.

Christian 

Ladies and Gents, bottom surgery

I was checking out a doctor from Serbia that doesn’t do grafting from the thigh or arm when doing phalloplasty. This is a technique that he has been working on for a few years now. I need to research Dr. Djinovic and The Sava Perovic Foundation Surgical Team more but so far I really like the reviews I’ve read about. His website,  https://www.savaperovic.com/ask-the-doctor.htm, says that he can only accept about 1 in 6 requests for surgery. It’s going to be a long time before I can afford surgery but I really like what he has done with the pictures on his site. There are several packages that he offers to people depending upon what they as an individual need. I really like that also. The website describes how you can even chose the size of your member. I don’t want anything that’s massive that I’ll have a difficult time trying to hide but I want it large enough to please my partner.

Well, it’s getting late here so I should get to bed. Good night everyone! Remember to go out there tomorrow and make it a great day!

Christian

Tired

I have 13 weeks of school left (with one week vacation in between week 3 and 4) and I’m just so tired of school. You’d think, 13 weeks until I’m a college graduate, again, I should be stoked to finish and see all my hard work paying off but I just feel stale. 

I’ve been at my job for 5 1/2 years and while it’s always changing, which is nice because it’s mostly the same with small changes here and there so I can handle it, I’m burnt out. Add to that I have a manager that is so full of shit (sorry for the vile language) that I don’t respect her in any way shape or form and that makes it more difficult.

I feel like I’m just blah. I get so geared up for my surgery, which I am totally excited for, and worrying about the kids, school and work that I just feel like I don’t want to deal with any of it sometimes then I get sad and afraid that I’m not doing anything right and it’ll all fall out from under me. I’m scared to be hopeful.

But, I’m going to keep on being wonderful and making good the best of each day. Since it’s only the beginning of the afternoon where I am I’m going to go out and MAKE IT a great day. Yes, I have to work tonight but on the brighter side; it isn’t at my store so I don’t have to deal with the dreaded manager. 

I hope that you go out and make it a great day also. Happy Independence Day to all my American brothers and sisters!
Christian