Decision has been made

As some may or may not know I am going to school. I am at my lifetime limit for borrowing for school loans (I have a degree in cosmetology and an Associates in Business Administration and am currently going for my Bachelors in Business Administration). My choices were to get a private loan, pay my school almost $5,000 USD, or quit school and pay off some of my student loans then go back. After much thought I have decided to quit after this semester which is in a little over 3 weeks. Adding more loans will not help me (plus, I need a co-signer) and I don’t have $5,000 to hand over to the school. After going to school nonstop for almost 2 years I need a break. I want to spend more time with my family and have fun instead of being tied down with homework. My heart isn’t in it anymore so I think this is the best decision for me and my kids. I’m hoping to be able to post more here also because it’s been sporadic at best and I’d like to change that. This will also give me a chance to work on my mental health by giving me a much needed mental vacation.

Trying to make today a great day and I’m hoping you are also.

Christian

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School Blues

I graduated with my Associates a couple months back and am so proud of myself. I started my Bachelor’s program 9 weeks ago and now I am being told that as of June I will have to come up with almost $4,900 USD because I’m at my lifetime borrowing limit. My school says I can make monthly payments starting in January of $286.78 USD until April 2019. I don’t have that kind of cash just laying around.

I tried to get loans but I need a co-signer. No one will co-sign for me. Grant it, I haven’t asked but I already know that no one will. I talked with my advisor and he gave me some websites to look into for scholarships so I’m going to try those. I really don’t want to stop because I only need 84 credits for a program that requires 180 credits. I’m so close yet so far away. Feeling defeated and depressed at the moment.

Regardless, I am going to try and make it a great day and I hope you to also.

Christian

Graduation Night

I finished my Associates in Business Administration a couple months ago and tonight is my graduation ceremony. Out of all my friends and family my kids are the only ones that are coming. I ain’t gonna lie, I am really hurt. I worked really hard for this. I feel like I’m being shut out and ignored as if my accomplishments mean nothing. I am glad that my children are able to be here for me. They mean the world to me. One friend and her wife cannot make it and their reason is extremely valid. I feel alone and depressed. On a day that is suppose to be a joyous time I am sad and depressed. I am going to save myself the money when I graduate with my Bachelors and not bother to buy a cap and gown. I’m not going to walk across the stage. I will accept my diploma through the mail and be just as proud of myself as I am right now. I mainly did this all (the cap, gown, and stage) for my friends and family so they could share in the celebration. At least my kids are going to be here. I can’t stress enough how much that means to me.

I’m determined to make this a great day regardless!

Christian

Hurting 

I tried to lay down a couple hours ago but the pain from my incisions under my armpits was just too much so I got up and took a pain pill then started on some homework (last semester before graduating woo hoo!). 

After awhile I found myself on Facebook and was reading a post about a guy getting fat shamed in another ftm faceboook group. I shared my experience of fighting anorexia but now I’m a large guy like he is (he’s 5’8″ 200 lbs while I’m 5’3″ 195 lbs). I told him while I’m still not happy with my body I’m alive and that’s enough for me. Getting pregnant with my oldest daughter literally saved my life. Had I not gotten pregnant at that moment I probably would’ve ended up like Karen Carpenter (singer from 70’s…possibly 60’s). 

After sharing that experience the back pain that I’ve had for the past few days got worse then my chest started to hurt pretty bad. Knowing it’s most likely just another panic attack I couldn’t help but wonder if it’s a heart attack. What if it were? I’m all alone with no one to assist me if I need it. I took some of my anxiety medication. And laid down to work on my breathing. I’m so glad I took Tai Chi in high school and learned all those breathing exercisesbevause they’ve helped me a number of times when I’ve had panic attacks.

I finally figured out how to add pictures so I am including one of my chest 1 week after surgery. It is red because I’m allergic to the antibiotic ointment and the cortisone to try to help the reaction to the ointment. Since this picture was taken I haven’t really put anything on it except lotion but I’ll admit I haven’t been very good at doing it regularly so now the red marks look kind of scaly up close. My nipples are starting to turn black (which is a good thing) and soon the black scab will fall off leaving a nice little pink man nipple behind. 


It is 1:30 am on a Friday night, although I suppose it’s Saturday morning now, and I have quite a bit of homework left to do so I’m going to bid you farewell. 

As always, go out and MAKE it a great day 

Christian

School

In one of my classes we have to do a group assignment. I hate working with other people. Have never liked it. It causes a lot of anxiety and strife for me personally. One person took lead, there’s always that one person that likes to push people around, which is fine with me because I am not that person. I was given an assignment that has to be 3 pages long and she’s giving me until Sunday by 1 pm (EST) to get it done. There is no way especially since I work all day and into the evening on Saturday! Totally stressing about this assignment. It’s worth 100 points and it’s a do or die type of assignment. Thinking I’m going to die. We were given an option to chose between like 7 different companies and the ‘leader’ said we are doing a specific company on the list. Didn’t even ask our opinions. I really hate pushy people.

The first two units of this class I got points taken off for my discussions because they weren’t long enough (have to be 100 words each) and was “missing information”. I told the instructor that I refuse to put ‘filler’ into my discussions just to hit the 100 words. He said that was fine but that I was missing information. I went back to look at the “missing information” that he had suggested and it was already in the discussion post that I had put up. It’s whatever. I have discovered that I hate finance, accounting, anything to do with math really. Should’ve tried for something else. I’ll just get my AA and then try for something else that I’ll actually like, if there’s anything. Sorry but I am really depressed because of this whole ordeal.

Tomorrow’s a different day and hopefully I’ll be able to have a better outlook on it in the morning. Going to take my own advice and go and MAKE it a great day!

Christian