Numb

I have a cousin that has been battling cervical cancer for years. She’s gone through radiation and chemo and just the other day had to have a hysterectomy. Got a call from my mom this morning telling me that my cousin can feel herself fading and knows there isn’t much time left. She lives 2 states away and I want to be with her but financially I’m afraid I won’t be able to. I think I’m still in denial and maybe that why I haven’t cried yet. I’ve heard a lot of trans guys say that they can’t cry after starting T but I’ve not had anything to cry about since starting T until now. I wish I could help with her kids or console her mom and brother but being so far away I am unable to the way I feel I need to.

She is an amazing daughter, mom, sister, cousin and I will truly miss her.

Christian

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Left Alone

I just woke up from a parent’s worst nightmare…

I had to go somewhere and I left little bit in our apartment (wasn’t ours in real life) with the TV on for sound so she wouldn’t be afraid (I don’t leave her alone in real life). As I walked out the apartment’s security door I ran into my mother who was coming home. She asked me if I parked in a certain spot near the door because there was problems with a man trying to hurt people at night that parked in that one spot. I decided to walk back inside with my mom as she was telling me a story. As she opened the door we could hear my child’s screams of terror. We ran onto a balcony/landing of sorts but the stairs we needed were on the other side. My mom leapt to the stairs without a moment’s hesitation and I followed with only fear for my daughter in my heart. Her screams were so loud now that they reverberated through my mind. In my waking state I can still hear her screams terror echoing in my mind. I do not know what had caused her blood curdling screams because I woke up before I landed on the stairs that I had carelessly jumped to. I am grateful I didn’t because if her screams were enough to haunt me like this I can’t begin to imagine what the sight of her being hurt would do.

Upon waking I ran to her room to check on her to find that she, and our brave and loyal dog, are sound asleep and perfectly fine.

This was the worst dreams I have ever had regarding my children and I pray that it never happens.

Christian