Totally forgot

Yesterday after lil bit comes home from school she tells me that it was picture day at school. I had it in my calendar to remind me and yet I still forgot! It’s not like she was wearing dirty ratty clothes or something but the fact that I forgot angers me. I wish I could remember things like I used to. I’m not quite 40 and already my memory is failing me.

It’s the beginning of a new day so I’m determined to make the best of it. I am going to go out and make it a great day!



Getting misgendered sucks

I work with the public. Yesterday I had several people call me ma’am and by the umpteenth time I looked at the guy in front of me and said, “What kind of cheese would you like ma’am?” He got real serious and a little upset and corrected me. So I countered with, “I’m sorry, I thought it must be opposite day since you called me ma’am”. He realized his mistake and apologized then said it was good that I had a sense of humor during times like that. I have a he/him pronoun button on the front of my work hat yet no one notices it. Tired of not passing. I’ve been on testosterone for almost 2 years and I still sound like a 12 year old girl. I’m just not starting to get sporadic facial hair. Ugh! This really messes with my dysphoria and I have no clue how to overcome it. I see guys on facebook that have been on testosterone for 4 months that have deep voices and facial hair yet here I am still looking and sounding like a girl!

Hoping today is better. It is a new day filled with endless possibilities after all. So, I am going to go out and make it a great day, are you?



About to Quit!

Had it out with the owner of my store yesterday. We got paid on the 15th and somehow my check disappeared. I kept getting told by my manager that the owner would only take a couple of days. Yesterday the owner came in to do who knows what and I asked him if he had brought my check. He’s like, are you sure you didn’t pick it up? I said that I didn’t even come in the Friday that we got paid because I opened the next day so I was just going to get it then. Then he tells me that there is a $30 cancellation fee for the check before he can issue another one while looking at me expectantly. I asked if he expected me to pay it and he says, “Someone has to”. Ummm, no, you’re the owner, you’re the idiot that doesn’t have direct deposit, and it’s not my job! Then he asks if I can wait until this Friday when we get paid again. With as much attitude as I have (which is alot!)  I said, “Guess I’m going to have to, huh?!” and stormed away before I said or did something stupid. So help me, this job is not worth it! I don’t care that I don’t have another job lined up. If he keeps this s@#$ up, I am walking out on him. He doesn’t care about us as workers and thinks that we are replaceable no matter how long we’ve been here or how hard we work. I’m done.

Going to take some deep, calming breaths before I go in to work today and I am going to MAKE IT a great day regardless!


Hate my job

Got paid Friday. My boss is the only person in the free world that still issues paper checks to employees. Couldn’t find mine yesterday so my manager said he’d look for it and text me because I was leaving for the day. Nothing from him so I asked again last night and he said he’d ask around. Still nothing from him so I texted him a little after 2pm and he just got back to me, 3 1/2 hours later saying that no one has seen it since Friday night and he would call payroll tomorrow to put a stop payment on it and reissue it. WTF! Now, if someone took it, they have my full name, address, net and gross pay for the year, and the last 4 of my SSN. What more do they need to ruin my life?! Why can’t Ken, the owner, just shell out the money for direct deposit like every other store in our area that isn’t owned by him?! I have so many complaints about him. Why can he not do this, or pay for stuff to get fixed or replaced when they need it? Why are vendors telling us repeatedly that we have to pay cash because his checks are bouncing or that he hasn’t paid in 2+ months? Why does our telephone and internet get shut off for the same reason? Why has management been told on a couple of different occasions that he may not have the money to pay them when it’s payday? Why do we, as little itty bitty employees, have to beg constantly for reviews and raises? We’re suppose to be reviewed at most every 12 months. It’s been 15 since I got my last raise which I had to ask him 3 times for. Why are new hires getting started at just below what I make and I’ve been there damn near 6 years?! Why doesn’t he just sell us to someone that knows wtf they doing? Sick and tired of his crap. He’s all nicety to our face but treats us as if we don’t mean anything. He’s losing a strong worker in the next couple of weeks and if I find another job that works with my hours I’m leaving too. He’ll be lucky if he gets a notice. F him and his high horse! If his family didn’t spend hundreds on a school dress plus shoes and God knows what else he could afford shit. I work with my manager tomorrow and I’m pissed at him too. Just got a text from him that says, “Your ssn isn’t on your check. All they would have is your name and address. I will look again tomorrow but we’ve already looked at all the usual places”. There should be one f-ing place…ONE!! And yes, the last 4 is one there you stupid arse, been with the company 8 months, old arsed idiot! I feel my blood pressure rising just thinking of it. I replied, “Pretty sure it has my last 4 digits. With my full name and address that’s all anyone would need” then another “It’s whatever. Don’t care anymore what happens”. I hate this f-ing company ever since Ken took over 4 years ago. It’s gone downhill and it seems there’s no stopping that downhill spiral.

I shouldn’t be crying on my birthday

After getting reprimanded by my kid for smoking I went to my room. The youngest one sent me a snap chat saying that the oldest didn’t feel needed and was going to leave if I didn’t come out so I did. What a waste of time that was. No one talked to me so I went back to bed. Woke up a little while later and even though I wasn’t hungry I started to heat up some pizza (they had had some a couple hours before I did). I am a stress eater badly. That’s probably why I’m 5’3″ and weigh almost 200 pounds. Anyway, oldest wanted to take me out for dinner for my birthday. I had to stop for gas and met them at the restaurant where she gave me my birthday presents. A t-shirt, a movie, and a butt load of candy. Keep in mind that while I love candy I am diabetic and it is not under control right now. The youngest said she wasn’t very hungry so I got her something really small. By the time it got to the table she wasn’t hungry and the oldest one started going off about how she was never taking her anywhere again to eat if she wasn’t going to eat one little taco. That angered me because she knew she was going to take us out and yet they ate pizza before hand. I got a ‘free’ Redbox movie for my birthday so I stopped to get that on the way home. After the movie was over I sent the little one off to bed. The oldest one then started to complain about her roommate. They’ve been roommates for exactly one month tomorrow. She then started in on my smoking and why I was smoking in ‘her’ room. I asked if we could not talk about it and she just went off about how it was still her room and that she could’ve gone into more detail about why I shouldn’t be smoking but that she didn’t. We got into it, again, about how it isn’t her room because she moved out. It’s not my fault that most of her shit is still in the room because she doesn’t want to move it. She always comes up with excuses on why she isn’t moving it to her house. I finally just got up and firmly told her to lock the door on her way out (since she refuses to give me the key back to MY house). She then proceeds to yell at me and of course by this time she has me completely pissed off and I am sick and tired of walking on egg shells around her trying to not piss her off as if she is the only person on the planet that matters so I yelled back. I went to my room and slammed the door all the while saying, “happy birthday to me, what a great f***ing birthday this was”. She left and locked the door but could she bother to shut off the lights, no of course not! Why did I even have to wake up today?! Not waking up would’ve been the best birthday present that I could’ve gotten. I f***ing hate my life. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her. If I make a mistake or do something that she doesn’t agree with then I am the bad guy, which is all the time because she’s never happy with anyone. My head hurts so bad that the lights hurt and I cry because of the emotional bullshit then I cry more because it makes my head hurt even more than it was before. Death would come as a relief.

Happy f***king birthday to me, the biggest loser/parent in the whole world!

Crappy birthday 

Little back story, I stopped smoking in February when I had to have septoplasty done. Anyway, I started again this past Thursday (3 days ago). My oldest came over and took my youngest somewhere. I laid down for a nap and when they got back they had ice cream for me. My oldest says, “Why’d you start smoking? I’m not mad but why?” After admitting to smoking again she starts to lecture me about how bad it is and asking me why I even stopped just to start again…blah blah blah. I’m sorry, but don’t you think I already know the freaking health hazards?! I don’t even want to be here with her right now. She won’t leave. She said she has birthday presents but won’t give them to me because ‘she has a plan’. Just leave me the f alone and go away. I totally hate having anyone in my life with bipolar. I can never, ever do anything right no matter what I do. Don’t even know why I try because I know it’ll just be wrong.

This is why I want to quit

I had sent a message to both my manager and his manager because I work at both stores with my availability for the whole month of November. They were: 1st: open-5; 2nd: open-close; 4th: open-close; 11th: open-2; 12th: open-2; 14th: open-2; 19th: open-5; 26th: open-2; 28th: open-2. I later said I could not work the 11th or the 14th. I got a call at 6:04 this evening from work that I missed. I called work back at 7:06 pm tonight to find out why thinking that someone had a question or something. Nope, apparently I was suppose to work at 6 tonight (note that today is the 8th). My manager was working (I assume because I understandably didn’t show up) so I talked to him. He said that he had me working tonight and Friday. It is a Wednesday night and I have classes on Wednesday night’s. I told him that I had sent him a text message, several, about my schedule and he responded to all. He looked it up on his phone and verified that I sent him my schedule on Saturday October 29th at 4:21 pm with my updates for the 11th on October 31st at 7:52 am and for the 14th on November 6th at 5:40 pm. If you can’t get the schedule right then you shouldn’t be scheduling people! If this had been his first offense then I’d probably let it go but since this is his 3rd, with just me, I am understandably upset with the situation.

Today was day 3 of training at my newest job. Tomorrow we are role playing calls. I hate role playing. Despise it. Oh well. Hopefully there’s less issues with this job because I really don’t want to have to find another job. It’s taken me a long time to go out and do this because I generally hate change. Either way, I’m going to make the best of it.

Since it’s night where I am I am going to hope that you all went and made it a great day.