Unexpected Forgiveness

There is an older couple that comes into my job about every other day for sandwiches. They get the same thing every time but I always ask if that is what they are getting just in case they mix it up on me.

A little over a year ago I came in wearing an Air Force coat that has the saying “Air Force don’t die we just go to hell to regroup” on the back. I’ve worn this coat for years. The man is a retired Vietnam vet and so he commented on the coat. I made their sandwiches that day and we got down to the register when the wife asked me if I was sick to which I replied with a no. She then asked if I was stuffed up with my nose because my voice sounded different. I explained that it was my medication but not telling her which medication (it was the testosterone). She said, “I’ve never heard of any medication causing that” so I explained that I am transitioning into male. She acted as though I was joking then realized I wasn’t. They sat down and ate then came back up to the counter individually. Her first asking who was paying for it. I explained that my insurance was and she said that no insurance covers that. Yes, she is obviously very uneducated in this aspect. I said that mine does. As she was walking out her husband came up to the counter and said, “You know that place on the back of your jacket? You’re going there while I’m going up there (pointing to the sky)”. I just stared at him. I had never been talked to like this in my life and had no clue what to do or say. For the next 8-10 months I refused to help this couple. One day I was the only worker so I had to. They had commented that they hadn’t seen me in awhile and asked where I’d been. My response, “Hiding”. It was not a lie.

Wednesday the same couple came in and I asked if they were getting their usual, her with the American cheese and him with the shredded. The wife said, “Yes ma’am” and I asked her not to call me ma’am. They looked at me funny and asked why not so I explained again that I am a transgender man. She goes, “Well we didn’t know”. I said that I had told them about a year ago and they had told me to go to hell. They looked shocked that they would say something like this. I just stared them the entire time. I know that my feeling of anger and hurt could be heard through my voice but by the time I thought about it the words had already left my mouth (which is typical of me). I do not remember what the woman was talking about after that but I do remember that she had referred to me as ‘him’ when talking to her husband. All these months I have been angry for something that they didn’t even remember saying only for them to accept (somewhat I’m sure) who I am. I was mad for not talking to them all those months and kept playing the scenario over again in my mind when all I was doing was withholding joy from myself. How could they know that I was angry and why? I stole time and happiness away from myself. They did not force me to feel what I did and for so long. It took this for me to realize all the time that I deprived myself from.

Do not hold grudges. You are the only one this effects. The other person moves on with their  life and 9/10 times does not even know or understand the wrong that you feel they have done to you. I hate to sound like a Disney movie, but let it go. You deserve to be happy and if forgiving those that have upset you, no matter how big or small, sets you free to live the life of happiness that you deserve. I have sat here for hours since this encounter going over all the ‘wrongs committed against me’ forgiving the other person. It is me that won’t let it go, me that won’t move on. Not them.

I challenge you today to think of just one person that you feel has wronged you, whether family, friend, or stranger, and forgive them. Make today a great day by doing this one thing for yourself. You. Are. Worth. It.



Endocrinologist appointment

Tuesday I had my 3 month appointment with my hormone doctor. She’s great and I highly recommend her for anyone in the area. I had my labs drawn the week before and my numbers are right where she wants them. They were high previously which just made my body turn the testosterone into estrogen so I was falling back in my progress. I found that odd because that was the only time that I saw any god changes like a drop in my voice and the start of facial hair. I told her that I started off sounding like a 4 year old girl and now sound like a 12 year old girl. She chuckled and said that to her, I sound like a 12 year old boy. Maybe my hearing is off but I think at that age girls and boys still sound a lot alike. Anyway, she said he’d recommend voice therapy but that it would not be covered by insurance and it’s around $100 USD per visit. Plus, she also said that typically her mtf (male-to-female) patients use those but that I may be able to get some pointers or suggestions for my voice. Don’t exactly have that kind of money so I asked her to hold off on the referral for a couple of months. As for the facial hair, good luck to me. I told her that I started putting minoxidil on my face (Rogaine for men basically) and she said that was great. I really like her and how she treats me like a man with a slight hormone imbalance. I had brought up several months ago about how I was concerned with my lower growth because I’ve heard many other transmen talk about their growth but I have had none and it has bothered me for some time now. She remembered and asked me about it but much to my dismay, nothing has changed. I go back in a few months and I am hoping that I have some positive changes to report at that visit.

Snow storm coming in tonight so I am going to get off and shovel again so there is less to do tomorrow. I am working today to start making it a great day tomorrow. I hope that you were able to make it a great day today.


Scar Update from Top Surgery

It has been 6 months since my surgery. I have noticed a confidence in myself that I haven’t had since I was 4 years old running around outside without my shirt on like the other boys. I have little feeling around the scar tissue but from what I’ve heard, this is pretty normal. If someone were to touch the area I can tell it’s being touched yet am unable to feel the contact. Maybe it’s the pressure or it’s possible that I have a small amount of feeling. The scars themselves are a light shade of pink (I am Caucasian) instead of the mean red they were after surgery with the exception of under my left arm where I lifted my daughter onto a gurney to get her into the helicopter last August for transport to the hospital. I pulled open the wound doing that and it never healed right. I am okay with this though because it helped to save my precious daughter’s life. Like my stretch marks, this anomaly in my scar tissue is my war wound. Something that I lived through and came out better on the other side. Something I learned from and embrace.

If you’ve gone through top surgery already, I would love to hear your stories. If you plan on going through it, what are some things that you are really excited about and some things that you are nervous/scared about? Maybe we, as a group, can help each other out. If you are not able to, or for whatever reason choose not to have top surgery, that is okay too. Each person has to do what is best for them and their situation. No matter which category you fall under, you are still a man. You are still you. You are still lovable and worthy of love and acceptance. I care about you.

Go out and make it the best life that you possibly can, starting with today. Go out and make it a great day!


Transgender Suicide Hotline for United States

I was just informed that the new transgender suicide hotline for the United States is up and running and I wanted to share this with you should you need it.


No matter what is going on in your life or who is saying/doing what remember that you matter. Your feelings and fears matter. You are loved even if you may not feel it right now. There is no shame in asking for help. I strongly believe that it takes a strong person to admit when they need help and to actively reach out for it. The people on the other end of the line are here to help you, please, let them.


Old Navy Customer Service SUCKS

Unbelievable. Old Navy customer service reps are complete idiots. I can’t change my phone number because my new number isn’t coming up with my  legal name. Funny, my previous phone number wasn’t even in my name yet they allowed me to put it on my account. I can’t change my name because their database doesn’t show that my social has that name. Even though it’s legally been Christian (through courts and the social security office) for forever now. I asked how long their database updates, every 5 years, every 10 years? He said it updates when the social security office gets updated information. I told him that was bull shit and he told me not to cuss that he’s not allowed to listen to that kind of filth. He asked me if I had pen and paper and I said for what. He wanted to give me the mailing address so that I could send in proof that my name was changed and that he had to send me a verification number through the mail in order to change my phone number. I told him that I didn’t want the address and that I would pay the bill when they changed my name and phone number. Probably too far but I’m sick and tired of looking at my dead name years after it was legally changed. I don’t use my card but maybe once or twice a year at most but when I do I am still forced to look at it. So frustrating and dysphoria inducing!! Maybe I will send in the information that they need but black out everything except my address and the exact sentence that says that I will now and forever be known as Christian. They don’t need anything else. They can suck it for all I care!

Sorry everyone, I tried to make it a good day, I really did. Then I had to go and try to change my information thinking it would be fairly easy.

Ladies and Gents, bottom surgery

I was checking out a doctor from Serbia that doesn’t do grafting from the thigh or arm when doing phalloplasty. This is a technique that he has been working on for a few years now. I need to research Dr. Djinovic and The Sava Perovic Foundation Surgical Team more but so far I really like the reviews I’ve read about. His website,  https://www.savaperovic.com/ask-the-doctor.htm, says that he can only accept about 1 in 6 requests for surgery. It’s going to be a long time before I can afford surgery but I really like what he has done with the pictures on his site. There are several packages that he offers to people depending upon what they as an individual need. I really like that also. The website describes how you can even chose the size of your member. I don’t want anything that’s massive that I’ll have a difficult time trying to hide but I want it large enough to please my partner.

Well, it’s getting late here so I should get to bed. Good night everyone! Remember to go out there tomorrow and make it a great day!


Being hated on and misgendered

As I was watching Jazz Jennings on YouTube I realized something kind of sad about myself. She said, “I didn’t wake up one day and decide that I wanted to be a girl. It just always knew and started expressing myself that way. I told my parents, ‘I’m a girl’ and gravitated towards girlie things. And for some people, the reason they transitioned so later in life is because they displayed those signs and they knew they were the opposite gender but when they told everyone in society it was kind of shut down and they had to suppress their emotions for so many years until they finally had the courage to express themselves authentically.” I realized that throughout my childhood that person was my father. I wanted nothing more than to have a BMX bike that I could do tricks on and ride around in the dirt but I was forced to have a girl bike with a banana seat. Never wore makeup yet that was what he always bought me for Christmas. Little things like that to try and break the person I knew myself to be. Probably wasn’t done on purpose but I feel that I missed out on so much because of this. So many experiences, happiness, the list is long.

She goes on to say that as transpeople we have the right to be annoyed when someone uses the wrong pronouns. Once someone tells you what pronouns they use and then you continuously start messing up it’s very hurtful and we don’t understand why you’re doing that. It sometimes feels like it’s on purpose.

I have a very devout Christian friend that uses my preferred name and pronouns about 90% of the time and we’ve been friends 27 years. A woman that I work with gets my name and pronouns correct and she hates me with every fiber of her being, yet my family is incapable of calling me anything but female pronouns and using my dead name. I have cancelled outings or not gone to their home when I wanted, or even called, because I just can’t deal with the depression that follows these encounters. Especially since I have gone through top surgery now. I pass until someone opens their mouth and says ‘she would like’ or uses my dead name when trying to get my attention. I can’t begin to say how angry and hurt this makes me feel. At first I understood that I went by that name for many, many years and that it would take time. It’s been 2 years of me using the same pronouns and name! You’d think one would be able to get it right by now. Mentally I just can’t do it anymore. I’d rather stay at home and be a recluse than to have to deal with that any longer.

This post will probably make people angry and whatnot but I just don’t care anymore. It’s my mental health that is at risk here. I have enough mental issues without throwing mental abuse on to the heap. Yes, I used mental abuse because it’s just as painful  as any other type of mental abuse. When I came out on Facebook I started it off by saying, “So-and-so has passed away…”. This is true. That person doesn’t exist. She is dead and will forever be dead. I am here now. I was hiding in her shadow all these years but I have finally been set free, I walked out of her shadow, and I will never go back! I am a man.