It has been a long while

I can’t talk much as I am fixing to go in to work but I wanted to give you all a run down of what has been going on.

My youngest went to live with her other parent for a few months but I brought her back after a visit with me where she told me she was not happy there and she was afraid of her father.

My father had an aneurysm that the the aorta in his heart. He was in the ICU for over a week. Exactly 7 days after that we woke up to our dog dead. He has been gone for 3 days now and it for l isn’t getting easier at all.

My transition is at a stand still. I’ve been on testosterone for over 3 years and still have very little facial hair, high feminine voice and absolutely no bottom growth. I’m losing faith that anything will happen for me.

Well, of to work I go. I’ll try to write more later because there was some good that happened as well.

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Numb

I have a cousin that has been battling cervical cancer for years. She’s gone through radiation and chemo and just the other day had to have a hysterectomy. Got a call from my mom this morning telling me that my cousin can feel herself fading and knows there isn’t much time left. She lives 2 states away and I want to be with her but financially I’m afraid I won’t be able to. I think I’m still in denial and maybe that why I haven’t cried yet. I’ve heard a lot of trans guys say that they can’t cry after starting T but I’ve not had anything to cry about since starting T until now. I wish I could help with her kids or console her mom and brother but being so far away I am unable to the way I feel I need to.

She is an amazing daughter, mom, sister, cousin and I will truly miss her.

Christian

Blown Away

There is an older couple that come into my job that have had issues with me being transgender. Yesterday they came in all smiles, even the husband which is unusual. I love it when people come in with smiles. It automatically puts me in a good mood and I am more willing to help them and go the extra mile for them. Anyway, the first phrase out of the woman’s mouth was, “Good morning young man. How are you today?” I was blown away and almost rendered speechless (which is unusual for me!). I was so happy that they have finally accepted me as transgender instead of insisting that I am going to hell. Maybe there is hope for the world after all. It warmed my heart for sure!

It’s amazing how one small gesture can warm and open the heart. In the next couple weeks I am going to look for openings where I can try to make someone feel as good as this couple made me feel yesterday.

As today is coming to a close I have to admit that I did not go out of my way to make it a great day and therefore had a pretty rotten day. Although, tomorrow is a new day and I am determined to make it a much better day tomorrow, will you?

Chrisitan

Too early

It’s a little after 5 a.m. and I’m awake for God only knows. My sleep has been broken these last few weeks and when I do sleep I’ve been having bad dreams. One night I even had a nightmare. I don’t usually have bad dreams. Typically, I have maybe 2 bad dreams a year instead of my 1-2 times a week. It’s quite frustrating.

I actually have a day off work today so after my medication person leaves this morning I think I’ll take a nap. I love getting weekdays off because I can nap while little bit is in school.

I see we have a couple new subscribers. Welcome to iamaman2015. I sincerely hope you enjoy this blog and if at anytime you would like me to write about a certain subject don’t be afraid to speak up and ask. This goes for everyone.

Go out and make it a great day! Live today as if it were your last. Tell those that you love how you feel, watch that sunrise/sunset, eat that chocolate cake (unless you like my aunt and are allergic to chocolate, in this case eat a carrot cake or something). Remember that you are loved even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

Christian

I have no words

I took my kids over to my parents last night before going trick or treating. My dad wanted to show me something in the other room and said my name! He’s never done this before and I came out 2 years ago. In fact, up until yesterday he refused to call me anything. 

Small baby steps…

Sick

Little one has a fever so I had to keep them home. Had to call in to work which was difficult for me because I had just gone back a couple weeks ago. Found someone to work for me before I called my manager so that took off some stress for her. When I told her I found someone to work the shift I could tell she was relieved.

Despite little bit being sick all is okay. My infection seems to have gone mostly away. I’m able to lay in my left side longer than before. It bothers me that it’s still hard. I’m also unable to stretch because it hurts when the muscles are flexed.

Anyway, go out and make it a great day!

Christian 

One week post op

I’m changing the bandages on my nipples 2x daily. Mederma was a scar product that was highly recommended by a few transguys that I watch in YouTube so I started applying that 2x daily as well (same time that I change the dressing). I do not put it on the nipple though, only on the large incisions. The nipples are starting to turn a pretty pink (I’m Caucasian) so that’s a great sign.

I’ve had some pain under/behind my ribs that’ve been especially bad today. I notice that when I put slight pressure on it the pain eases but as soon as I take the pressure off the pain is stabbing and sharp once again. 

Under my left arm around were the incisions are  the sensation is different than what I am used to. It feels like when my foot falls asleep (before the tingling) and I try to rub it. I feel that I’m touching it but beyond that…nothing. I go back to Dr. Lawrence on Monday so we’ll see what he has to say about that. The front part there is a ton of sensation! I’ve never had this much sensation before!!

Also my back is liking me. I’m assuming it’s because I’m stooping a little because of the incisions on the front on y body. 

I’m going to take a pain pill because I can’t go much further in this kind of pain. I’ve tried holding out because I’ve heard that these types of pills can be habit forming and I do not want to go down that road, ever.

Go out and finish your great day!

Christian