My apologies, it has been a minute

I honestly don’t know the last time I wrote and I’ve been missing it. Here’s a run down of what has been going on.

A year ago we lost our home to a fire and have been trying to get on our feet. January we finally found an apartment. It is small and crowded but we’re making it work. My youngest went to live with their other parent for 5 months during this time.

My child is back but having bullying issues in school…again. This is the 3rd school and 3rd school district that has claimed that bullying is not tolerated. Yesterday I got so sick of it. They texted me from the school bathroom half an hour into the school day saying they were hiding from the bully’s and taking a break. The bully’s were bullying her in the  classroom right in front of the teacher! We start homeschool today.

I had been looking into homeschool for a couple months now and wanted to start on October 1st but my child wanted to stay in traditional school and try so I allowed it. Tomorrow I go to the school to get their things and inform the school of my intentions. I plan on deschooling first which will give me time to get the lesson plans together and research more of what is needed for our state while also giving my child time to get used to being with me 24/7. Send positive thoughts and words of wisdom.

Our dachshund of 12 years passed away this year. He was old, fat and had a heart murmur so we knew it was a possibility but it still hit everyone hard.

My father had another heart attack a couple months ago. This time it is accompanied with an aneurysm which could take him at any moment which scares the ever loving hell out of me. I used to be so close to him and I long for that bond again, especially now. I will only ever have one mom and one dad and I’ve wasted all these years. I could’ve gone over more, I could’ve done more, I could’ve been more for them.

Well, that is enough for today. I realize that much of my thoughts tonight are unfinished and scrambled and for that I apologize. My brain is scrambled and I don’t feel well not to mention it is the middle of the night.

~Christian

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It has been a long while

I can’t talk much as I am fixing to go in to work but I wanted to give you all a run down of what has been going on.

My youngest went to live with her other parent for a few months but I brought her back after a visit with me where she told me she was not happy there and she was afraid of her father.

My father had an aneurysm that the the aorta in his heart. He was in the ICU for over a week. Exactly 7 days after that we woke up to our dog dead. He has been gone for 3 days now and it for l isn’t getting easier at all.

My transition is at a stand still. I’ve been on testosterone for over 3 years and still have very little facial hair, high feminine voice and absolutely no bottom growth. I’m losing faith that anything will happen for me.

Well, of to work I go. I’ll try to write more later because there was some good that happened as well.

Numb

I have a cousin that has been battling cervical cancer for years. She’s gone through radiation and chemo and just the other day had to have a hysterectomy. Got a call from my mom this morning telling me that my cousin can feel herself fading and knows there isn’t much time left. She lives 2 states away and I want to be with her but financially I’m afraid I won’t be able to. I think I’m still in denial and maybe that why I haven’t cried yet. I’ve heard a lot of trans guys say that they can’t cry after starting T but I’ve not had anything to cry about since starting T until now. I wish I could help with her kids or console her mom and brother but being so far away I am unable to the way I feel I need to.

She is an amazing daughter, mom, sister, cousin and I will truly miss her.

Christian

Blown Away

There is an older couple that come into my job that have had issues with me being transgender. Yesterday they came in all smiles, even the husband which is unusual. I love it when people come in with smiles. It automatically puts me in a good mood and I am more willing to help them and go the extra mile for them. Anyway, the first phrase out of the woman’s mouth was, “Good morning young man. How are you today?” I was blown away and almost rendered speechless (which is unusual for me!). I was so happy that they have finally accepted me as transgender instead of insisting that I am going to hell. Maybe there is hope for the world after all. It warmed my heart for sure!

It’s amazing how one small gesture can warm and open the heart. In the next couple weeks I am going to look for openings where I can try to make someone feel as good as this couple made me feel yesterday.

As today is coming to a close I have to admit that I did not go out of my way to make it a great day and therefore had a pretty rotten day. Although, tomorrow is a new day and I am determined to make it a much better day tomorrow, will you?

Chrisitan

Too early

It’s a little after 5 a.m. and I’m awake for God only knows. My sleep has been broken these last few weeks and when I do sleep I’ve been having bad dreams. One night I even had a nightmare. I don’t usually have bad dreams. Typically, I have maybe 2 bad dreams a year instead of my 1-2 times a week. It’s quite frustrating.

I actually have a day off work today so after my medication person leaves this morning I think I’ll take a nap. I love getting weekdays off because I can nap while little bit is in school.

I see we have a couple new subscribers. Welcome to iamaman2015. I sincerely hope you enjoy this blog and if at anytime you would like me to write about a certain subject don’t be afraid to speak up and ask. This goes for everyone.

Go out and make it a great day! Live today as if it were your last. Tell those that you love how you feel, watch that sunrise/sunset, eat that chocolate cake (unless you like my aunt and are allergic to chocolate, in this case eat a carrot cake or something). Remember that you are loved even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

Christian

I have no words

I took my kids over to my parents last night before going trick or treating. My dad wanted to show me something in the other room and said my name! He’s never done this before and I came out 2 years ago. In fact, up until yesterday he refused to call me anything. 

Small baby steps…

Sick

Little one has a fever so I had to keep them home. Had to call in to work which was difficult for me because I had just gone back a couple weeks ago. Found someone to work for me before I called my manager so that took off some stress for her. When I told her I found someone to work the shift I could tell she was relieved.

Despite little bit being sick all is okay. My infection seems to have gone mostly away. I’m able to lay in my left side longer than before. It bothers me that it’s still hard. I’m also unable to stretch because it hurts when the muscles are flexed.

Anyway, go out and make it a great day!

Christian