Left Alone

I just woke up from a parent’s worst nightmare…

I had to go somewhere and I left little bit in our apartment (wasn’t ours in real life) with the TV on for sound so she wouldn’t be afraid (I don’t leave her alone in real life). As I walked out the apartment’s security door I ran into my mother who was coming home. She asked me if I parked in a certain spot near the door because there was problems with a man trying to hurt people at night that parked in that one spot. I decided to walk back inside with my mom as she was telling me a story. As she opened the door we could hear my child’s screams of terror. We ran onto a balcony/landing of sorts but the stairs we needed were on the other side. My mom leapt to the stairs without a moment’s hesitation and I followed with only fear for my daughter in my heart. Her screams were so loud now that they reverberated through my mind. In my waking state I can still hear her screams terror echoing in my mind. I do not know what had caused her blood curdling screams because I woke up before I landed on the stairs that I had carelessly jumped to. I am grateful I didn’t because if her screams were enough to haunt me like this I can’t begin to imagine what the sight of her being hurt would do.

Upon waking I ran to her room to check on her to find that she, and our brave and loyal dog, are sound asleep and perfectly fine.

This was the worst dreams I have ever had regarding my children and I pray that it never happens.

Christian

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Blown Away

There is an older couple that come into my job that have had issues with me being transgender. Yesterday they came in all smiles, even the husband which is unusual. I love it when people come in with smiles. It automatically puts me in a good mood and I am more willing to help them and go the extra mile for them. Anyway, the first phrase out of the woman’s mouth was, “Good morning young man. How are you today?” I was blown away and almost rendered speechless (which is unusual for me!). I was so happy that they have finally accepted me as transgender instead of insisting that I am going to hell. Maybe there is hope for the world after all. It warmed my heart for sure!

It’s amazing how one small gesture can warm and open the heart. In the next couple weeks I am going to look for openings where I can try to make someone feel as good as this couple made me feel yesterday.

As today is coming to a close I have to admit that I did not go out of my way to make it a great day and therefore had a pretty rotten day. Although, tomorrow is a new day and I am determined to make it a much better day tomorrow, will you?

Chrisitan

Totally forgot

Yesterday after lil bit comes home from school she tells me that it was picture day at school. I had it in my calendar to remind me and yet I still forgot! It’s not like she was wearing dirty ratty clothes or something but the fact that I forgot angers me. I wish I could remember things like I used to. I’m not quite 40 and already my memory is failing me.

It’s the beginning of a new day so I’m determined to make the best of it. I am going to go out and make it a great day!

Christian

Decision has been made

As some may or may not know I am going to school. I am at my lifetime limit for borrowing for school loans (I have a degree in cosmetology and an Associates in Business Administration and am currently going for my Bachelors in Business Administration). My choices were to get a private loan, pay my school almost $5,000 USD, or quit school and pay off some of my student loans then go back. After much thought I have decided to quit after this semester which is in a little over 3 weeks. Adding more loans will not help me (plus, I need a co-signer) and I don’t have $5,000 to hand over to the school. After going to school nonstop for almost 2 years I need a break. I want to spend more time with my family and have fun instead of being tied down with homework. My heart isn’t in it anymore so I think this is the best decision for me and my kids. I’m hoping to be able to post more here also because it’s been sporadic at best and I’d like to change that. This will also give me a chance to work on my mental health by giving me a much needed mental vacation.

Trying to make today a great day and I’m hoping you are also.

Christian

Happy Valentines Day

I do not have much to share today but I wanted to take a moment to say happy Valentine’s Day to all you wonderful people. I hope that today was a wonderful and magical day for you.

I don’t have a valentine this year (same as the last 6 years) but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t special. My oldest got me a heart filled with Kit Kats which I absolutely adore and the little one gave me extra snuggles which I adore as well. I got to work today which was nice.

It is my hope that tomorrow is just as wonderful. I plan to make it a great day, do you?

Christian

Unexpected Forgiveness

There is an older couple that comes into my job about every other day for sandwiches. They get the same thing every time but I always ask if that is what they are getting just in case they mix it up on me.

A little over a year ago I came in wearing an Air Force coat that has the saying “Air Force don’t die we just go to hell to regroup” on the back. I’ve worn this coat for years. The man is a retired Vietnam vet and so he commented on the coat. I made their sandwiches that day and we got down to the register when the wife asked me if I was sick to which I replied with a no. She then asked if I was stuffed up with my nose because my voice sounded different. I explained that it was my medication but not telling her which medication (it was the testosterone). She said, “I’ve never heard of any medication causing that” so I explained that I am transitioning into male. She acted as though I was joking then realized I wasn’t. They sat down and ate then came back up to the counter individually. Her first asking who was paying for it. I explained that my insurance was and she said that no insurance covers that. Yes, she is obviously very uneducated in this aspect. I said that mine does. As she was walking out her husband came up to the counter and said, “You know that place on the back of your jacket? You’re going there while I’m going up there (pointing to the sky)”. I just stared at him. I had never been talked to like this in my life and had no clue what to do or say. For the next 8-10 months I refused to help this couple. One day I was the only worker so I had to. They had commented that they hadn’t seen me in awhile and asked where I’d been. My response, “Hiding”. It was not a lie.

Wednesday the same couple came in and I asked if they were getting their usual, her with the American cheese and him with the shredded. The wife said, “Yes ma’am” and I asked her not to call me ma’am. They looked at me funny and asked why not so I explained again that I am a transgender man. She goes, “Well we didn’t know”. I said that I had told them about a year ago and they had told me to go to hell. They looked shocked that they would say something like this. I just stared them the entire time. I know that my feeling of anger and hurt could be heard through my voice but by the time I thought about it the words had already left my mouth (which is typical of me). I do not remember what the woman was talking about after that but I do remember that she had referred to me as ‘him’ when talking to her husband. All these months I have been angry for something that they didn’t even remember saying only for them to accept (somewhat I’m sure) who I am. I was mad for not talking to them all those months and kept playing the scenario over again in my mind when all I was doing was withholding joy from myself. How could they know that I was angry and why? I stole time and happiness away from myself. They did not force me to feel what I did and for so long. It took this for me to realize all the time that I deprived myself from.

Do not hold grudges. You are the only one this effects. The other person moves on with theirĀ  life and 9/10 times does not even know or understand the wrong that you feel they have done to you. I hate to sound like a Disney movie, but let it go. You deserve to be happy and if forgiving those that have upset you, no matter how big or small, sets you free to live the life of happiness that you deserve. I have sat here for hours since this encounter going over all the ‘wrongs committed against me’ forgiving the other person. It is me that won’t let it go, me that won’t move on. Not them.

I challenge you today to think of just one person that you feel has wronged you, whether family, friend, or stranger, and forgive them. Make today a great day by doing this one thing for yourself. You. Are. Worth. It.

Christian

Endocrinologist appointment

Tuesday I had my 3 month appointment with my hormone doctor. She’s great and I highly recommend her for anyone in the area. I had my labs drawn the week before and my numbers are right where she wants them. They were high previously which just made my body turn the testosterone into estrogen so I was falling back in my progress. I found that odd because that was the only time that I saw any god changes like a drop in my voice and the start of facial hair. I told her that I started off sounding like a 4 year old girl and now sound like a 12 year old girl. She chuckled and said that to her, I sound like a 12 year old boy. Maybe my hearing is off but I think at that age girls and boys still sound a lot alike. Anyway, she said he’d recommend voice therapy but that it would not be covered by insurance and it’s around $100 USD per visit. Plus, she also said that typically her mtf (male-to-female) patients use those but that I may be able to get some pointers or suggestions for my voice. Don’t exactly have that kind of money so I asked her to hold off on the referral for a couple of months. As for the facial hair, good luck to me. I told her that I started putting minoxidil on my face (Rogaine for men basically) and she said that was great. I really like her and how she treats me like a man with a slight hormone imbalance. I had brought up several months ago about how I was concerned with my lower growth because I’ve heard many other transmen talk about their growth but I have had none and it has bothered me for some time now. She remembered and asked me about it but much to my dismay, nothing has changed. I go back in a few months and I am hoping that I have some positive changes to report at that visit.

Snow storm coming in tonight so I am going to get off and shovel again so there is less to do tomorrow. I am working today to start making it a great day tomorrow. I hope that you were able to make it a great day today.

Christian