I tried to lay down a couple hours ago but the pain from my incisions under my armpits was just too much so I got up and took a pain pill then started on some homework (last semester before graduating woo hoo!). 

After awhile I found myself on Facebook and was reading a post about a guy getting fat shamed in another ftm faceboook group. I shared my experience of fighting anorexia but now I’m a large guy like he is (he’s 5’8″ 200 lbs while I’m 5’3″ 195 lbs). I told him while I’m still not happy with my body I’m alive and that’s enough for me. Getting pregnant with my oldest daughter literally saved my life. Had I not gotten pregnant at that moment I probably would’ve ended up like Karen Carpenter (singer from 70’s…possibly 60’s). 

After sharing that experience the back pain that I’ve had for the past few days got worse then my chest started to hurt pretty bad. Knowing it’s most likely just another panic attack I couldn’t help but wonder if it’s a heart attack. What if it were? I’m all alone with no one to assist me if I need it. I took some of my anxiety medication. And laid down to work on my breathing. I’m so glad I took Tai Chi in high school and learned all those breathing exercisesbevause they’ve helped me a number of times when I’ve had panic attacks.

I finally figured out how to add pictures so I am including one of my chest 1 week after surgery. It is red because I’m allergic to the antibiotic ointment and the cortisone to try to help the reaction to the ointment. Since this picture was taken I haven’t really put anything on it except lotion but I’ll admit I haven’t been very good at doing it regularly so now the red marks look kind of scaly up close. My nipples are starting to turn black (which is a good thing) and soon the black scab will fall off leaving a nice little pink man nipple behind. 

It is 1:30 am on a Friday night, although I suppose it’s Saturday morning now, and I have quite a bit of homework left to do so I’m going to bid you farewell. 

As always, go out and MAKE it a great day 



One week post op

I’m changing the bandages on my nipples 2x daily. Mederma was a scar product that was highly recommended by a few transguys that I watch in YouTube so I started applying that 2x daily as well (same time that I change the dressing). I do not put it on the nipple though, only on the large incisions. The nipples are starting to turn a pretty pink (I’m Caucasian) so that’s a great sign.

I’ve had some pain under/behind my ribs that’ve been especially bad today. I notice that when I put slight pressure on it the pain eases but as soon as I take the pressure off the pain is stabbing and sharp once again. 

Under my left arm around were the incisions are  the sensation is different than what I am used to. It feels like when my foot falls asleep (before the tingling) and I try to rub it. I feel that I’m touching it but beyond that…nothing. I go back to Dr. Lawrence on Monday so we’ll see what he has to say about that. The front part there is a ton of sensation! I’ve never had this much sensation before!!

Also my back is liking me. I’m assuming it’s because I’m stooping a little because of the incisions on the front on y body. 

I’m going to take a pain pill because I can’t go much further in this kind of pain. I’ve tried holding out because I’ve heard that these types of pills can be habit forming and I do not want to go down that road, ever.

Go out and finish your great day!


The unveiling of my chest

My mom took me to my appointment this morning but wouldn’t go back with me. Probably tired, at least that’s what I’m telling myself. As doctor Lawrence took the dressings off I could feel the tightness from my chest lesson immensely because they were so tight. After he explained the after surgery care and finished taking out the tubes and covering them with bandages I looked at my new and improved chest. He sewed the nipples on to make them appear more masculine which is fine with me. They are discolored but that is normal until my body ‘takes to them’ because it is just like a skin graph. I noticed under my left arms where the incisions came together there is what is referred to as a wing. Basically, it sticks out more than it’s suppose to. I am hoping that as the swelling goes down so will the wing. The right side has a little one but it isn’t as noticeable. The incisions that were made under my breasts appear to have been super glued together instead of stitched. Dr. Lawrence told me that I can take a shower now (really missed those btw) but I’m scared at the same time that I’ll mess something up.

I’m going to play around a little with word press and see if I can add pictures and if so, how.

It was a great day for me today, how about for you?


Freak out moment

My doctor decided to use drains with me after my top surgery yesterday. I stayed over night because I didn’t have anyone to stay with me for 24 hours (I did but I didn’t want to burden my mom and dad).

When the nurses bled my lines and dumped the bulbs I paid attention. When the nurse went to show me how to do it I asked if I could do it and did so without any problems, she even mentioned that I did a better job than she did lol). Tonight I went to bled the lines and the left one went great but the right side felt like the fires of hell were under my bandages and in my body. I called the University and talked to a doctor. He said that this feeling is normal especially since I just had surgery yesterday morning but to keep an eye on it and watch what is coming from my body to make sure there’s no infection. I thought I was going to die for a minute there.

Other than that little freak out I haven’t had any problems (knock on wood). No pain, just uncomfortable because the bandages are so tight, especially around my ribs. I brushed my hand across the bandages and can tell where my nipples were placed because of the extra padding there. They seem to be placed perfectly. I am so excited to see the reveal! I have to wait until the output is less than 30 cc from both sides before I can make the reveal appointment. Ugh, that’s so far away!

I have been sleeping a lot but I’m sure that is just the pain medication that they put me on. When other guys said that you should have a stool softener wasn’t lying! It got to the point that I went to the restroom and thought, “This is it, finally!” only for ‘it’ to say, “Syke! Not yet!”.

I keep trying to move my arms about and walk a little so that I don’t get too sore or have blood clots in my legs. I’ve noticed that I stoop a little and I’m trying not to do that because while it feels better now, it’ll hurt later and I don’t want to ruin my already bad posture.

I think that this is long enough so I’m going to say goodnight to each and every one of you. When tomorrow comes, go out and make it a great day!









Surgery went well. Went in a little after 8 this morning and was up in my room by 2. Not in pain just a bit uncomfortable. It’s now 5 pm and I’ve been sleeping on and off all day which gave me a headache and I’m still tired but trying to keep myself awake. My cousin asked me if I felt different but told her no. Haven’t had much time to think about it or look at my chest (over my gown). Maybe later.


Surgery tomorrow 

Tomorrow is the day. I have to be at the hospital by 6:30 am and surgery is scheduled for 8. I am so excited, I swear it’s like Christmas for me and I’m a little kid that can’t wait.

Almost 30 years I’ve been waiting for this moment. I remember when they first started developing I wished, hoped and prayed that they would go away. I tried to bargain with god saying that I would be good if he would just make them stop. Instead he ignored me and made them into DD’s. By this time tomorrow I will finally be free.

I will try to update when I have the chance but I’m sure I’ll be sleeping most of the next couple days because of pain medication but I promise, I will update when I’m able.

Stay happy everyone, even when things seem hopeless because I promise you, there is light at the end of your dark tunnel.